We Are Not The Same

Sometimes we misinterpret conversations or actions. Our mind likes a complete story, it fills in the gaps when we are left to figure out people in their absence.

Stop that nonsense.

Stop the fantasies, the fill in stories, ruminations and assumptions.

Most of these delusions come from many years of trauma and being stuck in the loops of unhealed, unfelt wounds.

I had to feel the pain of the loss, the pain of feeling the abuse, walk through it, breathe through it and accept it.

The loops stopped only after I blocked these people.

I understand now that not everyone deserves access to you, even if it is your immediate family.

The peace I feel a little over one year after I made the final cut— a feeling that I have a difficult time describing in it's entirety. Nirvana? Bliss? Perhaps contentment.

I didn't know life could feel this soft, sweet.

I was constantly being bombarded with "but it's your family," and so on. For those who know, you know. (IYKYK for the Gen Z crowd.)

I was not born to serve the hysterical, emotional whims of my mentally ill mother.

I do not exist to withstand the ridicule and taunting of my older brothers.

I am no longer subject to my father's indifference, mocking and dismissal.

I will not allow my in-laws assumptions of me, define who I am.

We define ourselves, and no one else.

Santa Barbara Public Library.

The silence felt familiar, and maybe that's why my body tricked me into chasing it.

I understand now. I can gently release myself from others. I no longer beg for applause and attention. I allow it come to me naturally, if at all.

Validation is different, though. It has the power to heal.

Back away from the thoughts of unworthiness, it really isn't about you being too much, or not enough.

I am whole as I am.

Let all things go, all ideas and ruminations softly evaporate. Let life be.

Accept the push and pull of life and release the reins.

Don't look back too much.

We all look back, but with what boundaries?

Watching after effort instead of clawing after what we think we desire.

No calculation, no emotional manipulation, just acceptance.

Okay. They don't want me in their life.

Alright. Maybe I don't want them in mine.

We tried. That is enough.

"Oh, heaven I know that we tried." -Gordi.

I ran barefoot outside to feel the coolness from the morning dew between my toes as a child, to disassociate.

We are not the same.

I stabbed myself, like cutting but more violent— at the age of nine to feel something other than mental pain.

We are not the same.

I swallowed a bottle of pills at fourteen. I wanted to drive my car into a river at nineteen.

We are not the same.

I chose to keep trying after that, to not give into the depression. I studied Buddhism and Daoism.

We are not the same.

I misunderstood a state of pure nirvana for a moment of clarity at the age of twenty.

We are not the same.

I knew my mind well enough that it was in need of self-reflection, action, changed behavior so that I can be a wiser, stronger person.

We are not the same.

I go to therapy.

We are not the same.

I planned to end my life at 37. I worked on healing my body and mind instead. I no longer fear death, but now I want to live.

We are not the same.

I told my immediate, toxic, abusive family to fuck off and I completely understand the consequences.

We are not the same.

I will never allow religion, politics, opinions of others or societal expectations to dictate how I live my life.

We are not the same.

I am constantly striving for a state of calm, understanding, compassion and ego release.

We are not the same.

I confidently tell people how I feel about them without fear of rejection, because I know how important it is and how delicate our time is.

We are not the same.

I love without restraint in regards to any kind of relationship. I know the cost of not showing love and hiding because we are scared of our own insecurities.

We are not the same.

I chased because I cared, because I saw something in you that called to something ancient in me. That same ancient feeling that you ignored.

We are not the same.

I will never abandon myself again, or the people I love.

We are not the same.

In a Free Fall

I stopped looking for you in the places we both could have loved.

I no longer check message requests, junk email, my mailbox and all the little ways you could crawl back into my light.

I resist temptation to check on your internet presence, because I know you will never evolve and work on yourself.

I have finally released the hand that grasped onto the idea of you so tightly.

I watch you fall into the canyon of your own design.

Learn to love yourself by radical self-acceptance and seeing people as they present themselves. This is the main focus of my blog posts and upcoming memoir. I would love for you to share a moment of joy that you experienced in the healing process in the comments or send me an email.

Thank you for being here.

Begin Anew