Containing Multitudes

Confining myself into such small spaces, boxes, identifiers, societal expectations or pressures such as having one religion or political affiliation just doesn't suit a creative's lifestyle.

I want to be able to explore all that there is on this earth, in our existence together, during this infinitesimally short amount of time we have.

I contain many multitudes. I like what I like. Grunge, folk, bluegrass, jazz, opera, punk, pop, classical and orchestral music. True crime and stand up comedy. Goth-like clothing and flowery printed dresses. Naturally curly hair vs straightening. Some makeup or none. I do what I feel, not because I'm supposed to pick a side or stay in one corner. I'm not undecided, I'm free.

I enjoy dark, macabre things. Yet, I am enlightened by a single maple leaf. I'm turned soft by the slow blink of a feline. I feel engulfed in humbleness near a mountain peak. I learn how to breathe next to riverbeds and streams. I want to sing with the sparrows and run gallantly with the red foxes on the hunt. I want to experience it all. I want to be still and slow down my breath so I can focus on the minutiae of the moment.

I'm not sure how long I can sit in this cage that I have built around myself. It was out of necessity, safety and comfort.

I never wanted to get married. I wanted to be in a relationship with someone, sure. I wanted to be loved for exactly who I was, and I am. And I am grateful for him. I truly thought no one could ever love me in a romantic way. I thought I was not attractive enough and "too much."

I have a lot of ailments and mental health issues. Ones that I have always maintained and do my very best to not let it effect others. Most people I know wouldn't have a clue that I have struggled so much. They know about some things, but not nearly everything.

I knew then what I still know now about myself, I can't be forced to do anything I don't want to do. It's a stubbornness that I struggle with. Do I go to work, pay my bills on time, have a well kept and clean home and responsible with money? Of fucking course. I am a good girl. I behave. I am compliant and well mannered (minus the swearing).

There's a part of me that has wanted to escape my marriage for years now. I never liked the idea of being owned or controlled. Too much of that in my childhood. We've discussed divorce. Not because we don't love each other, it's because I am not living the life I wanted. I could travel

barefoot with a backpack across the globe, sleeping in hostels. Camping if I have to. I could live out of a van and be a digital nomad. I want to live in other countries. Maybe I can live in a big city for a while and see what that's like. Maybe I could finish college. I want to have the option of being open to the possibilities of finding love in ways that a traditional marriage won't allow.

On the other side of that coin, I want to come home everyday after work and kiss my husband, tend to the garden and enjoy the way it blossoms every morning as I sip my tea, play with my dog in the yard, walk in the woods closest to our home while holding hands, frequent our favorite cafe, cook dinner together, have safe and easy sex and have the feeling of wanting to come home after a vacation and sleep in your bed with the same man until eternity takes over. Amongst many, many other incredible experiences that a traditional marriage does allow.

I miss clouds. I miss rain, I miss snow. I miss the seasons changing. I miss rivers and ponds. I miss wildflowers in meadows. I don't belong here (in California).

Being confined into one marriage for the rest of my life sounds romantic but I also know that we are not monogamous by nature and that by staying stagnant in relationships for decades takes its toll. Marriage takes "a lot of work" as they all say. Quite honestly it has been easy for us. We are not the type to scream at each other, we get along well, we are both level headed, kind, respectful and loyal. I have no fear of him cheating and vice versa. I could never hurt him.

There is something to be said about getting together early in life. You have to grow together, evolve together. You don't have to have the same hobbies or interests, but your morals and values must align and you do have to match emotional intelligence and maturity to some capacity.

Do you have the ability to get uncomfortable in your relationship by being fully honest? Are you truly living as your most authentic version of yourself? Yes, it is scary to reveal your full self. It is terrifying exposing things that your partner or spouse may not agree with, and it could cause damage. But is it worth it to go your whole life living a lie? Lying to yourself, and them? Is it worth being confined by their rules, insecurities, anxiety and opinions just to keep the peace?

I had several serious discussions with my husband over the past few years. I told him I don't want to live in California anymore. I have never felt "at home" let alone we can't survive out here much longer. We've had sheer dumb luck finding the rental and we have capped out on our possibilities to find higher paying jobs.

I became so ill last year that I had to go on medical leave. I couldn't have done it alone. He showed me how dedicated he is, how much he loves me and that he is more than willing to move back east once I recovered. He's excited, even.

I know it all sounds contradicting. That's because it is. Life cannot be put into a state of this way or that, black or white, on or off, yes or no. It is wildly diverse, that's part of what makes living life your way so profound and magical.

So, here we are, and here we go. Stay tuned for updates on this thing we call life. Check out more information about my upcoming memoir here:

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