No Answers - Guillotine

I am back on medical leave nearly a year after the first one.

Physical check, bloodwork, hormone levels, chest x-ray and EKG are all normal.

The symptoms are anything but:

For the past several months I've had increasing *symptoms of insomnia, chronic panic attacks, anxiety, internal and external tremors, shaking hands, fatigue, heart palpitations, extreme brain fog, what I can only describe as ADHD on steroids, light vertigo, chest tightness, 12 pound weight loss (and counting) in 12 days without trying to lose weight.

Side effects from the 4 new medications including: sweaty palms and feet, night sweats, stomach pain/nausea and excessive thirst.

*Among other symptoms that I don't feel comfortable sharing publicly at the moment. If you, gentle reader, have any insight or advice I will gladly take it.

5 Doctor visits in the last two weeks.

3 Blood draws in one week.

2 ER visits in one week.

And a partridge in a pear tree. (At least my humor is intact.)

35mm shot of Soda Lake, Carrizo Plain National Monument in San Luis Obispo County, California. One of the creepiest places I've visited. It felt like spirits haunted the lake. No birds or bugs, an eerie silence. And it was hotter than hades.

Am I a hypochondriac?! Given that my test results are perfectly normal, maybe I'm more of a mess than I thought, haha! As strange as it sounds, mental-health wise, I’m actually alright. The anxiety and panic attacks feel like they are coming from my body, not my mind. If that makes any sense.

There’s more testing, poking and prodding in the coming month. Oh, goodie! Can't wait to hear more medical gaslighting because everything is fine! (*SCREAMS INTERNALLY*)

Seems like we have to get used to not having answers in life. We just get to stroll along, wondering what is wrong with us until we kick the bucket from what ails us.

I think it's important to note: live while we're alive. Do it scared, while it hurts, make mistakes and try again. Show up anyways. I'm showing up for life while I'm shaking, crying, unsure, in pain, nauseated, uncomfortable and afraid. Yet I persist with a smile, laughter, love and carry kindness with me wherever I roam.

I'm frustrated, to be sure.

I am better prepared this time. I need to keep myself busy. I cleaned the carpets while singing loudly, danced braless in my t-shirt and underwear, drew some morbid faces, I watched the birds and bunnies pick at my garden and have daily heart-to-heart chats with the cat and dog. I make my husband and myself delicious, healthy meals. I've logged out of social media. I'm planning on going to a matinee movie by myself, take myself out to lunch and reach out to friends for coffee (decaf for me) dates. I have a good routine down. I've done this already, I know what to do so I don't lose myself in the sadness of it all. I pride myself in continuously taking excellent care of my body and mind, so what is happening to me?!

I'm worried, absolutely.

I am trying my best to eat more calories but the weight keeps coming off. This has never happened before.

If I've ever wondered what a lobotomy might feel like, maybe it feels a little like this? I will be doing something and then I freeze, no thought or action is happening for 10+ seconds. Then I start to panic, I don't remember what I was doing and it takes every bit of energy to remember. Sometimes it repeats again after I've finally remembered, like trying to grasp smoke. That part scares me the most, to be honest.

It's been difficult to write. I'm not sure I've been making sense. I'm curious to read the last few posts down the road and see what madness lies within the literature.

Maybe my life needs a full reset. I thought I had rested enough last year while I was on leave. I need to check out entirely. Brain rot. Bed rot. Binge watch Jane Austen TV/Movie adaptations.

I need to go be moss for a while. See ya.

Guillotine

I wish I was tired when I went to bed.

Head is full of fiberglass, cutting gray matter into threads.

Laying still and running nowhere ahead.

Heart is wrapped in corn-starched lace.

Rose-shaped holes chafing the barriers with each beat.

Scar tissue building over the years, I must embrace.

I wish you would have spoken to me as if I were human,

Pleading for one word of recompense, treating me like a ghost.

But it is you who lurks in the background, reading my posts.

Oh, to hear you say that you miss me- without shame,

Don’t pretend like you cared, I’m the dispirited fool.

My naivety, your indifference, her detestation, for whom holds the blame?

I wish I had been more cognizant in your guarded presence.

Thoughts reaching past my injured gaze,

Covered in splinters of memories, amplifying malaise.

Rebuilding myself from the guillotine of forced goodbyes.

They did not consider my genuine heart,

There will be no consolation, I must learn to be wise.