Antidote to Multitudes

The blog post "Containing Multitudes" was more of a rant rather than an essay, everything said was true and boldly honest.

There are some important factors to clear up though:

I dearly and wholeheartedly love my husband of 15 years and we are not divorcing.

His green eyes. I manifested them, find out how I managed this "miracle" below...

Between the ages of 19-20 were years of deep self-discovery. During that time I practiced Buddhism, discovered what I wanted out of life and put up steep boundaries with unhealthy relationships.

I needed to change things up. I had planned on moving to Rock Hill, South Carolina to attend Winthrop University, studying Art and Music Therapy. The next move was to Australia for a year long study abroad program. It was clear that I wanted to get as far away from Illinois as possible.

Until I set fire to my own life plans by manifesting my husband.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not into the woo woo, mysticism, fate, destiny, tarot card readings, clairvoyant, astrological signs and even manifesting stuff. I am a data, scientific method and fact based person. I believe what I see.

But then I started believing in what I felt. And after meeting my future husband, I leaned into the idea that the "universe/god/whatever" has our back if we are capable of acting on our intuitions.

No one thing convinced me to take an act that would change the course of my future. I knew I needed to calm my mind, sit in a quiet place and focus solely on what I wanted out of a relationship. I listed as many qualifications, personality traits, likes/dislikes etc.

I wish I would have kept that letter to the universe. It was expansive, detailed... the desperate call for a committed relationship from a young woman that had so much love to give and nowhere to put it.

The one request, and I remember it was the very last thing I wrote out of maybe fifty requirements of this love I was seeking, and the only physical description was for them to have green eyes.

He checked off every single one of my desires, wishes, hopes... including the green eyes! I knew at twenty years old that this was the universe saying "GO!"

But we met online, on Myspace of all places. He lived in California, I was still in Illinois and had only six months before I was supposed to move to South Carolina. We talked on the phone incessantly for several months. We knew we loved each other, even without meeting. So I bought him a plane ticket from Santa Barbara to O'Hare and picked him up.

He did not hesitate to kiss me immediately. I was undone. Jesus fucking Christ, he was real.

I took this photo of him in Avila Beach inside one of the coves when the tide was low, during the first year of living in California. I still think he's a hottie.

Fast forward 19 years:

We have worked through our disconnect and discovered that I was holding back my truths so that I did not hurt him.

It did hurt him once I was brave enough to be honest, though. I had the insane urge to run away and leave him after we had a huge family drama blow out, again, and I was done. In-laws, am I right or am I right? I wasn't sure he would move with me, since we had tried living in Illinois 13 years ago and that didn't work out.  My wishes and desires have changed from what I had wanted when I was twenty. We change as we get older and we have to be okay with it. There is a fair amount of shame involved when thinking of leaving him, because he is so good to me, as I am to him.

We also understand that if we were to fall out of love, we would respect each others wishes to live a different life. Because we love and respect each other so much, we don't want to hurt each other by preventing a more fulfilling life. It was one of the most uncomfortable conversations we would have.

But since we are both mature, emotionally intelligent adults, we discussed, brainstormed, and were completely open and honest. We were able to work through my grievances about not living the life I had hoped and we came up with a plan that works for both of us.

And that is to move back east as soon as we are able.

We have so much fun together, nearly every day. He's a big goofball. This is my favorite photo of us, taken by my friend when we were living in Illinois.

I knew better.

We have always been able to work through the difficulties of life, he's been incredibly compassionate, supportive and kind while I navigate the plethora of mental and physical ailments over the past three years. In sickness and in health.

He was upset to hear I wasn't living life how I wanted. He loves our life, he has no complaints. I had more than a few and I felt awful about it. We are working on it together, making compromises and adjustments so that we are both satisfied. That's how marriage works. You have to work at it so that the grass is greener on the side you both tend to.

Now I don't have to live without him. "Wherever you are is where I want to be," he said. I begged him, "please tell me the truth, I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do." He smiled, held me tightly and reassured me this is what he wants too.

While I mentioned that I am not living the life that I had originally wanted, I am living a life that is worthy of admiration. Not because we make decent money (we don't) or own a home (Haha! Nope) or have a huge supportive family (we have a select few and they are fantastic).

No, it's because we still enjoy each others company, we never fight (we have discussions, sometimes they end in tears but we always make up quickly and move forward) he's my best friend and I am his, he still makes me laugh almost every day, I can't wait to come home to hug and kiss him, we say "I love you" to each other several times a day. Please and thank you are musts. I don't have to tell him to help do dishes, laundry, scoop the cat poop or take out the trash. When I leave for trips I come back to a clean home. He makes and brings me tea almost every single night and if I ask him to do something, he pops up and does it right away without complaint. He is able to fix broken things in our home, including me.

He doesn't tell me what to do. He doesn't control me in any way. If I want to go on a trip by myself or with a friend, I tell him what I'm doing, as long as we can afford it. He doesn't tell me who I can or cannot speak to, or who I can be friends with, or what I should do with MY life. Because we are individuals that live together, we're dedicated to each other and choose each other everyday. We fully trust each other in every aspect of life, what a radical thing... to never worry! Every day is calm. No walking on broken glass, no surprise explosions of anger or cold shoulders. He feels he doesn't do enough for me, the notion is swoon worthy.

I am so goddamn lucky.

Our love story has been the subject of jealously, admiration, amazement, respect, bewilderment, awe and dismissal.

The most important factor is that it is our story. Each marriage is different, every person is a different person. We all have our own unique ways to make it through life and by no means should we judge people's marriages and how they "should" look.

We're lucky. I've always felt lucky in life, even if I've run into so many medical issues and heartbreaks from family trauma. So much has worked out for us and I am beyond the ability of comprehension grateful for us.

Thoughts I wrote down while looking at my husband, high as a kite on weed:

I can't see myself when I am seeing you.

You are looking at me as I am studying you.

Watching me.

I can't know how beautiful I am,

When all I am seeing is how beautiful you are.

Then I read it out loud to him. He grasped my face, looked into my equally green eyes, smiled so delicately and kissed me hard.

That was a long one, thanks for sticking around.